Tornops & Vork #1

[FADE IN: In deep space, a field of stars surrounds a modest ship. A research vessel from a distant galaxy has begun the process of analyzing a new species. Beginning only with observation, these beings are desperate to learn all they can about the people called "human".]

TORNOPS Ship's log, this is Captain's entry #0014. We have now begun day five of our study of the planet known locally as "Earth". From our current position we avoid detection, but that also limits our data field to satellite technology. The streams of logistics information that run the Human transportation and security apparatus are trivial to us, the only valuable data we could scrape from the satellites is their popular media. Specifically, we've begun to analyze their serialized dramatic productions--

VORK They call it "television". Or just "TV", for short. Pretty karznax, huh?

TORNOPS Yes, I am aware of that Vork. I'm simply demonstrating, for the sake of the log, the chain of thinking for our perspective. What are you doing over here anyway? I'm trying to submit a log entry. Can't I have some privacy?

VORK What does this place look like? Queen Slogutha's ancient palace of Rinn? We're cramped in here as it is, there's not much place to go. And why do you call yourself 'Captain'? There's only two of us on board--

TORNOPS Alright, alright! Just slide over there, to your own terminal, I need some space here, I'm trying to create a thorough record... Our team has begun to process the episodic videos at a rapid rate of speed, allowing us to absorb and evaluate the material much faster than real time. In effect, this gives us an opportunity to catch up to the modern day medium.

VORK Don't forget to tell your good ol' Log buddy why we think studying this material is valuable for our overall mission. And try not to fall off of your high koroth doing it.

T Ah, uh, yes. The stated mission of our expedition -- an extension of the IDULR (or the Interplanetary Department for Unknown Lands and Research) -- is to learn as much as possible about new species, in order to inform a successful introduction, should such time arise.

[Vork begins humming an anthem, miming playing an instrument, and saluting, all at the same time.]

T It is our hypothesis, that by collecting this data, we can gain a stronger grasp of human behavior. Under the assumption that, on all planets, one's art is a reflection of their experience, we plan to study the reflection so that we may better understand their perspectives.

V And all with a smile on our face and a song in our hearts!

T Oh, stop pretending now, Vork. I've seen you, you enjoy watching the human dramas. I think I even saw some emotion flicker across your face yesterday. Did one of the scary human stories give you the meeblies?

V Nah, their thrills don't scare me. I do feel for the little guys though. You likely saw me during my study of the older sample, "MASH". A show like that, about the horrors of war, takes on new meaning after each successive conflict the humans enter into... Even though it's a young art form, the humans have already made some works that resonate at multiple points in their history.

T Artistic relevance across changing cultural norms? Listen to you, letting your work be clouded by your heart. A work of art, at a popular level, can't be widely appreciated and widely disruptive at the same time. If there's a show with a message, but then its message is ignored, and the society repeats the mistakes its been admonished against, then what relevance does the art have really?

V The relevance of a thought, Tornops. Evidence of a notion. These humans will surprise you with their ability to attack a problem in as many ways as possible. There is a dialogue here. Growth in the television art form bears a causal connection to overall societal growth.

T That is your personal hypothesis Vork, and I still hold that you're mistaken. These dramas can teach us some of the beauty of Human theater, they can teach us some Human social norms, they can definitely teach us how act uncomfortably around an Earth female, but these stories are just that, they're stories. Life is long, there are times that are joyless, it's wise to save some stories for a kyzzar day, to remind oneself that all is not lost. Even the most primitive species will apply a xornall to a wound.

V So cold, so harsh, Tornops!

T It is not harsh at all, I certainly understand the need for a good xornall. And I like the stories! I was processing some of "Frasier" yesterday, it's a compelling tale, about a tormented individual who has the most remarkable voice.

V You would like "Frasier"...

T I don't know what that's supposed to mean. And even if I did, I wouldn't admit it. To acknowledge that you sunk so low would be, self evidently, beneath me.

V Oh, what a terrible place to be, surrounded by the little people Tornops has stepped on to get to the top.

T Well, now you're just talking vorzac.

V And what are you going to do about it? Nothing, it would mean a blemish on your precious record.

T Maybe I could say you were lost in the field? Two xeno-sociologists leave, one comes back...

V Pssh, we're not field researchers, the IDULR would never buy it. Face it, you're stuck with me.

T Well maybe I'll just set you up to have an equipment malfunction? I'm the captain here, after all! What kind of ship am I running if I don't have the power to execute my crew members when they're being unbearable?

SHIP'S COMPUTER Captain, log #0014 is still recording, shall I continue?

[End Scene]